Or, the five stages of going-to-a-bachelorette-party-when-you’d-rather-be-at-home-watching-E! grief.
Let’s preface this with a soundtrack.
(As an all-in-good-fun FYI, I promise I’m only slightly ancient and crotchety.)
1. Denial: The subject attempts to shut out the reality or the magnitude of his/her situation and begins to develop a false reality. Or, more simply put: a 25-year-old girl cries in front of her empty-full closet.
2. Anger: The subject moves on from denial and manifests instead feelings of rage. Examples include subject standing on a street corner outside a restaurant, waiting for the rest of her party in five-inch heels before she can be seated.
3. Bargaining: The subject’s anger abates, and he/she begins to negotiate with a higher or unknown power to avoid the cause of grief. A technique often employed by young women to stop their friends from hoovering tequila shots. This maneuver is often preceded by the “side-eye.”
4. Depression: The subject becomes sullen and silent, but begins to feel an emotional attachment once again to persons and things; at this stage, the subject may also circle back to the anger stage, when she realizes, to her anguish, much of her party has scattered like a herd of cats.
5. Acceptance: The subject is finally able to resolve his or her feelings about the future as well as past grievances; among young women, this is generally accomplished over a plate of shared chili cheese fries at a late-night diner.
Happy blueberry mojito-ing, kids.